2013 That’s A Drinking Game Archive – Barefoot Contessa

posted: 2013-03-12 16:31:20

I present the following drinking game under this caveat: I worship Ina Garten like some sort of sun god. I do not intend to blaspheme.   That being said…I present the following drinking game companion to the fabulous Food Network program, “Barefoot Contessa.” Please to enjoy in your fabulous East Hampton home.   You’ll Need:

• vodka (no flavored shit)
• whiskey
• several 40 oz beers
• two or more of your broke ass alcoholic friends

  Rules:

1. Every time Ina refers to a chef or celebrity as her ‘friend’. – Take a swig of your 40 and take a look around the room. Ina hangs with Tyler Florence. You drink 40’s with these folks. Take that in.
2. Every time Ina says, “So I’ve got (names ingredient),” – Toast everyone with your 40, “So I’ve got a 40 and three drunk friends!”
3. Every time Ina says, “Great flavor,” – You know what else has ‘great flavor”? No flavored vodka ever. So take a shot of the plain stuff.
4. Every time Ina says, “Depth of flavor,” – Yell out, “Whiskey!”, because, as we all know, nothing has more depth of flavor than whiskey. Make sure you emphasize the ‘wh’ sound in a way reminiscent Andy Sandberg and take a shot of some.
5. Every time Ina says, “Big stir,” – Beer. Lift it up and move it around your head in a halo like motion while saying, “Wooo!” before you take a drink.
6. Every time Ina says, “Who wouldn’t like this,” – Pour the person on your right a shot – of whichever available liquor they like the least.
7. You see a shot of Ina’s house or garden – Take a swig of that 40 and look out the window at the shitty apartment complex parking lot outside. Don’t see a shitty apartment complex parking lot out your window? Fuck you. Take another swig.
8. Every time Ina says, “So. Delicious,” – You know what else is delicious? Beer. Drink some.

  ***Note: Just had to restart the segment of the episode I was watching three times. Once because I realized I was stoned and not paying attention (dog was being cute). Twice because I wanted to google ‘conchiglie al forno’. Three because I couldn’t spell ‘cogielleta al forno.”   Sigh.   Continuing. ***  

9. Every time Ina says, I use extra large eggs. – Say, “I use extra large beers!” and take two swigs.
10. Every time Ina says, “So what I’m doing is…” – complete her sentence with, “I’m getting drunk” and drink some beer.
11. Every time Ina says, “I’ll show you how I did it,” – Show Ina how YOU do it. Finish your beer.
12. Any appearance of Jeffrey. – Sigh at how adorable he is. At how adorable they are. At how adorable their entire fucking lifestyle is. Have a vodka on the rocks (Ina’s drink of choice) while contemplating all the ways your pathetic life will never include a house in the Hamptons, a chic catering company, or a chubby faced Jewish man telling you that every piece of chicken that comes out of your kitchen is the best fucking thing he’s ever had. Sigh. Take it in. Finish the vodka.

  Then turn on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives with Guy Fieri and feel better about your life. Toast yourself with some more whiskey.   Game over. You win.